How Losing A Pregnancy Changed My Easter This Year
This Easter morning I found myself tearing up in church. Memories from last Easter came rushing back, surprising me with emotion.
Last year on the night before Easter, we found ourselves in the ER learning that we had lost our pregnancy at 11 weeks. The next day, we mustered the energy to go to church and celebrate Easter, making an effort to remember God’s hope and bring joy to our young daughter despite our pain.
This year I found myself in the same room, singing similar songs of “O death where is your sting?” We were sitting in almost the exact same location as we had been last year. I remembered vividly the pain, the heartache, being thankful the room was dark so others wouldn’t see my tears. A year ago I felt the pain of death. It was too raw.
The months between then and now have been challenging in many ways. We moved to a new home here in Virginia which was stressful, but overall a positive change. We found out in the spring that I had a blood clotting disorder that may have been contributing to our miscarriages. We took a break from fertility treatments for a while, then started them up in the fall. Over the holidays, we had some traumatic family issues come up, and I had two of my closest friends lose parents to cancer.
Life just doesn’t stop moving. Good things happen simultaneously with bad. It’s often all one big pot of emotions and experiences, and trying to sort them out can be difficult. It has been for me. One day I’m elated and the next, devastated by the newest update on fertility, family, friends… whatever it may be.
This morning I remembered our loss from a year ago. The tears peeked through my blinks. I remembered that sweet life that never made it to our world.
But this year I had tears for another reason. Tears of joy and a heart full of gratitude, because this Easter I am 16 weeks pregnant!
I’ve felt the baby kicking and fluttering around in my tummy. Our daughter can’t wait to be a big sister. We almost just can’t believe it.
This Easter morning I found myself tearing up in church because Christ has conquered death once and for all. Even though death is painful, it’s not final. And I tearfully rejoice that we have been given the precious gift of life where once there was loss. This new life doesn’t erase that loss, but it brings new hope and joy!
Happy Easter from our family to yours!